Category Archives: Reflections

Self Assurance and Self Acceptance

 

Do you love yourself, as is? Do you wish you were more comfortable in your own skin?

I will admit, that like most women (including supermodels) that there are some things that I would like to change.  You know the length and texture of my hair or my waistline, the flap and shake of my arms and thighs.  The funny thing is that most of those things I can fix…or at least attempt to.  I started wearing wigs a few months ago so I can change the length and style of my hair by the hour if I want.  Eventually I will lose all the weight and that will solve the other issues.  Most people would say that because I do these things that I am not comfortable in my own skin but I think that I am.

I know that I don’t look like a supermodel and I’m okay with it.  I am secure in my insecurities. Granted I’m not bold enough to be 265 lbs and wear a wear a crop top in public exposing ALL my belly flesh, but I applaud those that do.

I would say that I love myself as is.  Not because of the additions and subtractions that I use on the semi daily.  Insecure or not I have always had a different vision of my self in my mind then I did in the mirror.  I have also worked very hard at being comfortable in my own skin, but it was never for my looks.  I sometimes feel that I have a personality flaw that I can’t pinpoint.  That there is something in my manner and behaviours that rub people the wrong way or causes them to rub me the wrong way.  I’ll get upset for about 5 hours and then decide that I don’t care.

I’m sure that I would be more comfortable in my skin if I had skin that was more social acceptable. Not saying that I was paler or anything, just if I was the type of girl that more than a mother could love.  But on the other hand, I would hate it it I was a cookie cutter kind of girl.

So in conclusion to all of my ramblings.  Yes.  I do love myself, and I think that I am pretty comfortable in my skin.

What do you think?  How do you feel about this prompt?

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I Feel Pretty

Do you ever have days where you have to remind yourself that you are cute? No really.  I mean I go to the gym three-four-five times a week (let’s just pretend shall we), I eat like a dang rabbit, guzzling water like I’m walking through a desert on top of everything else trying to look like a (Plus Sized) Supermodel!  I am fully aware that I will NEVER look like Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry, but hey…they don’t seem to be able to keep a man either so there!  Sometimes I go through my Facebook pics and truly take time to notice that I am really cute.

When I saw this prompt, I forget where (I’m sorry), my first and immediate thought was PROM!  Oh my goodness!  Me and my mom searched high and low for a dress before finally going to David’s Bridal.  I had seen this turquoise halter dress with a mermaid skirt and a black design of what looked like Japanese flowers, not a lotus but flowers drawn in the Japanese art form, that wrapped from the front to the back.  Simple and elegant and just a touch of the 1940s.

I knew that my mom wouldn’t let me wear it because she didn’t want me in a halter, but I convinced her to let me try it on just because it was pretty and isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you ar out shopping for prom dresses with your mom?  It was the last of 5 dresses in that store that I was interested in and none of the other’s were speaking to me.  I put on the turquoise dress and stepped out of the fitting room.  I saw the mirror in front of me like it had been the past 4 times and didn’t recognize myself.  I told the girl in the mirror, which I suddenly thought was a different girl that she looked really nice in her dress and looked around for my reflection.

My mother was awe struck.  We had found a dress that looked good on morbidly obese me and OH did I ROCK that dress!  I wanted to show you a pic but I don’t have any saved on my computer so I picked another moment that I was reminded of my beauty.

Legz Galore

This photo was taken April 17, 2011.  at the time I weighed probably about 265lbs.  I got the dress from Forever 21 (in the plus sized department that they were hiding in the basement), you can’t see the shoes but I got them at Payless.  I got this outfit for my birthday (November) but it is the BADDEST club dress I own.  This is my going away party with my sorority sisters.  I would have been heading off to Florida two weeks later.

I was really feeling myself this night because I was out with my sisters, I had drink in hand, and I was about to embark on a new journey.  The reason that I gave everyone for leaving was to go to grad school but that was an excuse.  I just wanted to be out on my own and out of Chicago and out of my mother’s (really it was my aunt’s) house!

The reason I LOVE this photo is obvious.  THOSE GAMS!  I think my legs are my favorite body part.  I want nothing more than to be 80 and still have dancer legs like Chita Rivera, granted my legs are a bit thicker than Madam Chita they are firm and smooth.  My mom says that when I was born I had little bitty legs and she cried because she wanted me to have “big pretty legs”; so she cried and greased and prayed and there they are!

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My America is Beautiful

The Superbowl…  I can’t say much about it, mainly because I don’t watch football; I’m not a fan.  But has there ever been a Superbowl with that PATHETIC of a scoreboard?  Just curious.

What I DO want to talk about is the (apparently) controversial commercial put out by Coca Cola.  I will admit that I don’t drink pop that often for dietary reasons but when I do I usually drink Coke only because it is made in Atlanta.  After watching that commercial and seeing all of the RIDICULOUS and IGNORANT responses to it I want to go out and by several cases and a few shares of stock just to make a point that not all AMERICANS are that stupid.

Let’s start this off with a History Lesson.  Did you know that very few of the people that currently live in America are direct descendants of TRUE NATIVE AMERICANS;  that we are ALL Generational Americans, meaning that their family has been in America for a few Generations.  Granted the Jones family might have been here longer than the Martinez family, your family tree still involves some immigrants…and probably some convicts.  America was utilized as a Penal Colony; meaning that France, Great Britain, and many others were evicting the undesirables to the Americas.  BUT in true American form these immigrants and prisoners decided that the glass was half full and made a new start.

America, I thought, prides itself on being a “Melting Pot of Cultures”.  At least that is what they have been trying to teach me since I was in Kindergarten.  So why not honor and embrace those cultures in singing the #3 Most American Song of America?  I could “validate” the responses if they had sung God Bless America or heaven forbid the National Anthem but…

The funny thing is, I feel like many of these Offended Americans are the same idiots who walk around with a sombrero and a stupid mustache on Cinco de Mayo, do a Pub Crawl on St. Patrick’s Day, flash body parts for some ten cent beads at Mardi Gras, know the number to the Chinese Restaurant and the local Pizza Hut by heart, and think that Tony Montana is one of the coolest people in the world.  And it wasn’t that there were “foreigners” singing, it was the fact that they were singing in a different language!  Sulema Marie posted this…

Epic fail, @CocaCola. My father, and over half my family, emigrated to America and learned to speak ENGLISH!#AmericaIsBeautiful

So, now that you have admitted that you are a Generational American…did you know that twitter is condemning you too?  Because that it was pissed me off.

Allow me to explain myself; for those that don’t know…I’m black.  And according to some of the posts, I am not an American because of this.  That’s funny, because FICA surely takes her American money out of my American check.  I pay my American taxes every year.  And they have attempted to recruit me into the American Army (I wouldn’t have passed the physical  even if I had wanted to do it).  Speaking of the army there were even posts from vets saying that they regretted fighting for a country that would even allow such “blasphemes”.  I don’t even know the words…

At the end of the day, every American is free to their opinion.  Oh the joys of our American First Amendment, huh! This is my opinion, if you haven’t figured it out already:

I am proud to be part of an America that is made up of many different cultures.  To know people with so many different histories, that speak different languages, whose mother’s cook so many different traditional foods.  Where else in the world can you travel several different countries and cultures in ONE CITY!  Chicago has Chinatown, Greektown, Little Italy, Mini-Mexico, and Ukraine Village.  And I am proud to be from a city that represents the cultural quilt that is our beautiful country!  Personally I would be all to happy  if all Americans could get with the program and accept that we are all Americans, whether they chose to hyphenate it to honor their past or leave it in anticipation of their bright future.  Those who can’t accept it should suffer the fate that they wish on the rest of us:  Find some other place where they can live in their selfish and close minded ways in peace.

I applaud Coca Cola for their open mindedness and their acceptance for what America truly is.

Ah la la la la always coca cola #americaisbeautiful
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From A Fat Black Girl Who Attempts to Do Yoga

I saw this thing on Facebook earlier this week and I admit I kinda blew it off as a Silly Little White Girl Move and ignored it; because really that’s what you do with ignorant people, you ignore them.  But then it started popping up EVERYWHERE.  Not just the original post, or links to the original post, but commentary and responses to the original post.  So now I feel the need to respond.

Back in Chicago I decided, in a need of finding some happiness, that I would start taking dance classes.  I got a 10 Day pass at Intrigue Dance Studio (I love this studio and will offer it all the free publicity that I can!).  Now I wasn’t always the only black girl, or person for that matter; there were a few others including the instructor.  I was however the biggest and the least trained in the studio.  Nothing brought me more joy than being singled out for doing a good job on a move, getting good height on a leap, or just remembering some of my remedial dance terminology.

Never once did I feel conscientious about being the fat black girl in class.  Not even during the 1 pilates/yoga class I took to use up all my days before the deadline.  Granted I probably looked like an idiot in downward dog, I was just happy that I could touch my toes.  I have given all of this information as a way to prove my ability to speak on the subject manner.

Dear Skinny White Girl,

I’m sorry that you felt SO uncomfortable in your yoga class.  This is supposed to be a time for relaxation and self-awareness and I apologize that my sister in black fatness threw you off your chi.  However bear with me as I attempt to illuminate the situation.

1.) I must ask this question.  Why were you watching her in the first place opposed to focusing on your pranayama?  Considering the fact that she was behind you I doubt that you were able to watch her every move.  You described her as “crouched down on her elbows and knees, head lowered close to the ground, trapped and vulnerable”.  As I remember from my few public yoga classes, as well as the few videos I tried to keep up with, this was the Beginner Safety Pose.  This is where I go when everyone else is doing planks and I’m sweating buckets and can’t hold ALL of my weight on my forearms and toes. So maybe she was just waiting for a point where she felt comfortable participating again.  Perhaps said point did not come or perhaps you missed it.

2.) It had nothing to do with your (or her) color.  When I started reading your post I glanced over the fact that she was black.  I looked at it as an adjective that wasn’t important to understanding the situation.  It may not have had to do with size but lets say that it was. It mattered not if you were Black, White, Asian, Mexican, or a Flying Purple People Eater, you were SKINNY. In the few times I was in yoga/pilates/dance class I admit that my eyes strayed to the smaller girls; and they were ALL smaller than me.  Sometimes I didn’t want to be as small as they were considering that one of them was the size of one of my thighs; other times I was thinking “one day I’m going to be able to wear a ‘tastefully tacky sports bra’ with no fear of jiggle or ridicule!  Today planks, tomorrow high waisted biker shorts!”  Perhaps maybe that  is why she was watching you.  She didn’t mean to offend socially conscience mind she was idolizing you because you, skinny girl of non-descript racial origins standing like a flamingo without falling over, are who with, diligent practice, she can one day emulate.

3.) And I say this with all the love that I can muster for someone that I don’t know…GET OVER YOURSELF!  I mean seriously, you went home and cried because in your head you decided that this poor innocent girl who just wanted to make a change in life was giving you the Death Glare?  Who cares?  If she was congratulate yourself and pack yourself on the back for obtaining a new Hater.  Every woman no matter of her Size, Race, Orientation, or Economic Standing should Strive for Five every month.  And if you felt the urge to purge as one of what sounds like many skinny white girls in your class, how do you think SHE felt after being the only black fat girl who could not get past the WARM-UPs!  I am officially stereotyping you in a COMPLETELY different way now.

What I really wanted to read at the end of your post is that you spoke to the girl and offered to help her.  That you told her stories about YOUR first day in yoga class, recommended a different/easier class or some videos, books, blogs that she could check out to help her feel more comfortable the next time.  I was hoping that you tried to be the “bigger person” (pun intended) and extend an olive branch in a way to be the change that you hoped to see.  Instead you went home and cried, unfortunately not at your own elitist stupidity…

I don’t even know what else to say…

Namaste

Heavyset Black Girl Who Attempts to Do Yoga

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Introducing Bella Biachi and a new 30 Day Challenge

I woke up this morning (with my mind…stayed on Jesus!) with a new motivation.  Well not really; I actually woke up with my mind on the conversation that I didn’t have with the boy, but that just sounds lame and pathetic.  I have been doing Zumba every morning for the past three days.  I decided that I would create a 30 day Zumba Challenge and I can compete it then I will find the money to get that gym membership.

I know what you are thinking…”WAIT BACK UP!  You said that you were afraid to Zumba in your apartment because you were afraid that the man down stairs would come up with his ceiling fan in his hand.”  Yea, well, he will just have to come on up.  This crap with my BF (and portfolio) has made me realize that I am sick of waiting on things to happen so that I can do what I really want.  Let’s take a count shall we…

  1. I can’t join a gym until the season picks up and I can afford it or I find a better job.
  2. I can’t figure out what exactly is going on with my relationship until he is in the same city as me, or stops avoiding my serious questions.
  3. I can’t get a better job until I can come up with $150 to put a portfolio together.
  4. I can’t do Zumba in my second floor apartment until I lose enough weight that the books won’t fall off the shelves and the man down stairs won’t come banging on the door with his ceiling fan in his hand!

SCREW ALL OF THAT!!!  I am known for my ability to make something out of nothing both positively and negative and I am choosing to be positive.  So 30 Day Challenge Beware cause PLANET FITNESS here I come!

Introducing Bella Biachi

Some of you may know that I have several blogs.  One of my main ones besides this is The World According to Bella.  It’s all fashion and celebrity gossip and life commentary.  I post under the monicker of Bella Biachi, my alternate ego. She is also known as “the skinny b!tch trapped inside of me”.  Well Bella has come out to play.  Allow me to introduce her…

2013-09-22 20.15.56My cousin works at a clothing store and they were getting rid of some mannequins so he grabbed one for me.  I have been wanting a dress form for awhile and while this is not actually a dress form, it will serve a purpose.   I have been wanting to start sewing and putting together some real outfits (not just the ones I do on Polyvore) so I am really excited.  Only problem is she is a bit skinnier than me.  I had to pull the dress back in this pic.  Here is the before and.

<PHOTO LATER>

I still need to do some work on her.  Since I have more butt and an actual waist.  But it serves a purpose for now.  And I can start sewing again!

 

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Zumba, Relaxers, and Gym Memberships

Remember a few weeks ago, maybe last, and I was considering getting the Zumba Wii Game.  Well I haven’t gotten it yet but I remembered that you can see a lot of the songs on YouTube so I’ve been doing a few of them just for fun and to assure myself that the books will not fall off of the shelves and the people downstairs won’t come banging on my door with their ceiling fan in their hand.

What usually happens is that I decide I’m just going to try one but then that was easy, so I try another, and then that was fun so I try another, and then I start to sweat.  This is good right? NOT!  I just permed my hair!  Ask any black girl and they will tell you.  A new perm (relaxer) is not to be trifled with.  When I was a kid my aunt took me to get my hair done I came home and decided to do a complete 18 track slide CD in the living room.  I felt good because of all the calories I was sure I had just burned but she was pissed because I just sweat out my $90 Relaxer not even 9 hours later.

I didn’t just stop because of my hair tho.  I was enjoying living the single life and dancing in my underwear…cause I could…and my thighs were starting to shake a bit too much so I was going to stop anyway but the sweat made sure that I did!  I guess I will have to invest in a sweat band.

I’ve been thinking about joining a gym.  I really want to take a Zumba class and a spin class but gym memberships are expensive!  I was looking into the YMCA, I think they might be the most expensive of them all which is just sad!  $175 to join and then $50 a month!  Planet Fitness has that whole “No Judgement Zone” which makes a fat girl like me happy but $50 to join and $20 a month?  L.A. Fitness has “the most classes” but they want $100 to join and $30 a month.  There’s a Gold’s Gym not far from my house and they are open 24 hours which I really like and they seem dedicated to making women feel comfortable.  NOt to mention that they have a plan for people who need to lose 30lbs or more like myself (110 lbs to go!)  I couldn’t find the prices though.  I may try their 7 day free trial thingy though and let know how it works out!

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HIgh Emotions, Tequila and Pancakes

So this has not been a good week for me.  I started this week super excited because I had actually lost a couple pounds.  Not a lot but some.  Determined to start some new workout challenges and start doing some spinning working on my career and what not so I was very hopeful, I guess is a good word; excited about the changes that I would soon be making in my life.  I even had a nummy healthy lunch; and the girl in the break room was like “That is the most organized bag lunch I have ever seen!

2013-08-29 14.23.21

And then it all went down hill from there.  I gave up a day off to help a “friend” who needed a day off and it bit me in the ass.  I got in trouble at work and some feelings were hurt, mine included.  It really just drove the nail home that I am down here all by myself.  I have one cousin down here but he is on the other side of town and is busy trying to live his own life.  The boyfriend is working on a cruise liner so I only get to talk to him once a week when he is at port and I never see him.  I’m not really sure if I miss HIM or if I just miss A him. Which is also kind of tearing at me.  I don’t really get along with the people at work because they are younger than me and I am at a different place in my life.  I’ve done my partying 20s and I’m now into my planning 20s.  Im just really noticing that I am really lonely.  I don’t have any Floridian friends.  The ones that I had have all moved away to do bigger and better things and I am still at the starting line trying to make sure my shoes are tied.

So my emotions are flying high this week which has led to some stress eating and heavy dosages of tequila. LOL I may not have been eating healthy the last couple of days but I was eating good.  Last night for dinner I had a hometown throwback.  Something I like to call Chicago Nachos.

Chicago Nachos

Chicago Nachos

It may not be healthy but pair it with a Margarita (or some 15 calorie lemonade and some tequila) and it will make you feel better for a little while.

Then this morning I finally had what I gave up when I went to help the “friend” out.  BANANA FOSTER PANCAKES! I can’t say that they made the shitty week worth it but they did make me forget for a little while.  And I got to talk to my boyfriend while eating them!

2013-09-01 10.50.37

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Close But No Cigar

I was so close to finishing my 30 day squats challenge…and then EXTREME amounts of pain kicked in.  You know that feeling you get when you wake up and your arm or leg is still asleep?  Well I’ve got that in both of my heels.  When they would start to hurt before I would either soak them or ice them and wear the really cushy gym shoes and I could still function for a little while before the pain came back.  No such luck.   After standing at work for 6.5-8 hours my right leg almost feels hollow.  It’s weird I know.   And I should probably go to a doctor at some point…come on ObamaCare!

But I will not let this get me down.  I didn’t finish my crunch challenge either because when I would waddle my way back to the house I just laid down to rest my leg.  And it hurt to much to get up.  Well I have decided to try ANOTHER 30 day crunch challenge and I am going to really try dedicating myself to spinning.  I haven’t been able to find an actual challenge so I guess I will just have to make one up and correlate the rest days with the Crunch challenge.  If you know of any 30 day cycling challenges for BEGINNERS send them my way will ya!

I am also happy to note that I have not been wallowing in my bed doing absolutely nothing and eating junk food.  Well, I did have a Whopper Jr. today ’cause I was craving a burger.  I have actually been working on #95 of my 101 in 1201 plan!  My grandmother was a cook.  She had her own catering service and hand wrote all of her recipes even the ones that she got from cookbooks and handed it down to me.  Well it was supposed to come to me but it actually went to my aunt but that’s besides the point.  The point is, I want to make a cookbook for my not-to-be-conceived-for-at-least-another-5-years-daughter.  Os I have been working on that.  Finding recipes writing them down and testing them out.  I’ve got 6 of them in my freezer right now!

I have lost 3 pounds…FINALLY!  I haven’t lost a single pound this whole month but finally after hundreds of squats and crunches I have lost SOMETHING!  Hopefully things will be different next month!

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Day 19: Is this thing on?

SO I have officially stopped taking the Raspberry Ketone.  I haven’t lost any weight and I don’t see where I am losing any real inches.  I guess my fat is just not to be burnt.  I am still keeping up with my squats and crunches but funny story…

So remember how I was doing the squats into a side crunch (I have loving nicknamed it the Puppy Squat) Those have gotten increasingly harder to do so I have been doing regular squats with the added pressure of a resistance band and staying on the floor for the crunches.  Speaking of…let me go and do that now…BRB.

And I’m back! 50 squats, 150 crunches, and 30 Puppy Squats!  The squats aren’t as hard as I thought they would be; which is a good thing.  That means I may make it day 30 and 250 squats after all.  I was perusing pinterest for some other ways to do crunches and came across these:

compound crunch

 

I tried it.  I guess I’m used to sort of speeding through my crunches.  I did 10 of them and just went back to normal because I knew I could have done more in the same time it took me to do those 10.  But I will try it again.  And I found this!

intense puppy squatNow that is one intense Puppy Squat!  I did look for more squat variations…but that didn’t work out so good.  I mean…as a girl over 125 lbs, have you ever looked up squats on pinterest?  Did you get annoyed by all the size three bimbos showing off their perfectly plump assets?  Okay maybe they are not all bimbos but THIS does not motivate me…

SERIOUSLY???

 

For one, there used to be a time when white girls would never want a butt like that, but she looks unbalanced and VERY photoshop-ed…just saying.  I will also point out that I have noticed my bum jump off of my thighs even after only 12 days which was very exciting.  But I will never look like that. I will never have a waist that small and I don’t really want one.

I came to a hard truth recently.  I will probably never be a size 6.  I may have mentioned that I want to get down to a size 10 and it my size 10 jeans start to get loose I expect my family to have a food intervention with some friend chicken and collard greens.   But, and I have noticed this before, I am big boned.  I am not making excuses for myself I really am.  When I got down to my lowest weight which was still over 200 lbs I could feel my ribs and hip bones.  There wasn’t a lot between my flesh and my bone and I was not wearing my “SIZE 16 JEANS” or the “SIZE 12 DRESS THAT FITS”.  I have what the old people tend to call “Child Bearing HIps”.  Which is great when you want to wear skinny jeans or Mermaid dresses (which I tend to do) but it also means that there is a preset limit to my weight loss.   Well if I can build the tuckus that my mother denied me of (because she took all of it!)  I will be happy!

 

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Day 13: It’s all for the abs

I would do anything for a flat stomach! When I was a kid (a very fat 300lb kid) I showed vocal promise and my music teacher told me that as long as I sang properly I would never have a flat stomach.  This gave me just cause to eat more cake.  I mean look at Pavoratti.  AMAZING voice,  never met lasagna he didn’t like.  And then…Idina came into my life.   I do love me some Idinia Menzel Diggs.  Even her husband.  And not only because their relationship proves that Catholic me and Jewish Shia Lebeauf do indeed have a chance in hell.  I love her voice and her songwriting skills…and have you seen her abs!!!

idina's abs

I want these abs!  When I was looking for this picture, I found it on a forum asking who their desired body type was and it got me thinking.  Besides Idina’s abs what is my dream body.  I have always wanted to have the physique of a 1900s French Prostitute.  No I’m serious.  They had curves; weren’t stick thin like the society ladies, probably from eating all the chocolates given to them by their society benefactors.

But as far as my body type aspirations I would have to say this:

Style: "Mad Men"kat Marilyn

What do you think? Unfortunately I think that all three women ended up slimming down. But I am dedicated to getting down to a size 10 and stopping there!

Today’s Challenges

Crunches: 45
Squats: 75
Water: 4 bottles

Menu:

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs/Turkey Sausage/Multi-Grain Waffle/Honey Nut Cheerios/Tea
Lunch: Chicken Cesar Salad/Apple Slices
Snack: Graham Crackers/Chocolate Almonds
Dinner: Basil Chicken and Rice

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